Oh shit here we go againSeptember 19, 2018
…posting another update after days. But that’s okay. I feel like shit. I’m over the detox (I think) but I’m not doing well. Because I have Lyme. Maybe. Or just a body no rational human being would want to live in. My back is throbbing. My hands shake. My knees–don’t get me started on my knees. My nose is running–which I actually don’t find so bad as it means I won’t get another sinus infection, something I always seem to be fighting this year. I’m just happy that unlike yesterday my retinas aren’t inflamed. I cannot read when that happens. Fortunately I can split my job in between reading and writing, and to write I just touch type and hope for the best.
For those of you who don’t know the ‘[‘ square bracket followed by the ‘]’ square bracket indicated a button. It’s just one of many million ways of explaining things in a simplified way so people like, say, programmers can understand it easier. Granted, there are a hundred other ways a “button” is represented, but it’s pretty common to see the square brackets like this representing a button when you’re writing text. I’m likely to use it in my forthcoming book just to confuse people..because that’s what my book is about, except that it’s not.
At least I’m successfully off Tramadol. I sleep well at night. Indeed, I sleep much of the time when I’m not working that’s not under the nighttime schedule. And now that I have a Sleep Number bed, I may never get up again. Well, I don’t know. My wife will likely sleep like a log. I tend to only sleep good on a new bed for a couple nights. Then it’s shit again. But if I change beds I have a couple good nights. Followed by shit.
If I were a millionaire I’d simply travel, stay in each town 2 to 3 days at a time, always switching up the mattresses. Would be in a lot less pain that way.
And I wish I could. Because I’ve decided working with a chronic hell condition isn’t what anyone, including myself, would want to do. Completely insane, right, realizing around 3pm for no reason you can’t read off a computer screen because your eyes are inflamed and no medication helps and you gotta wander out at 5pm and get picked up by your wife thinking, “Wow, no way I could drive like this.” Well, usually I could but those flare ups are worse. And as usual there’s no known trigger. Just my body doing it’s thing. And me wondering when will come the day I’m ready to move on from this mortal coil.
I wish I had something else to talk about besides pain. That’s what my previous blog degenerated into before. But these last few weeks have just been a fucking symphony of pain including the thing I like least: obvious brain inflammation. Of course I’ve only had one doc say that was a problem, but even then my PET scan was within the “norms”. If only a doctor would stop thinking inside the box. If only health care hadn’t become so expensive in America. I will die in pain. There is no hope of a recovery. And I have finally come to terms with that reality.
You dumb bastards that think the couple gets together at the end of the film…I’m so glad you have movies to pacify your minds!
Okay, I’m being a bit of an ass. I’m self-medicated. That’s something else I never would have said in my blog before. At my favourite watering hole. On the computer. Acting anti-social when part of me would prefer not being. But not caring because I don’t feel like explaining my symptoms, the most obvious of which right now is me sneezing and blowing my nose for some reason.
I could be writing about politics. I subscribe to all the news on Facebook and it seems FB and smoking go together. Once I stop smoking FB goes down the drains. Which is fine. Except I don’t have as wide a variety of news sources.
Here is a list of the news I subscribe to:
- All the local news FB pages including but not limited to: ABC, CBS, NBC, FOX, and OPB (Oregon Public Broadcasting)
- The reliable big ones: NPR, BBC..and oh shit I haven’t been for awhile so I’m adding it back now–Al Jazerra (actually it’s there but I haven’t received anything in as long as I can remember)
- Fox and Brietbart news.
Yes, I’m a tree hugging liberal with more guns than your average American. And I subscribe to the scum of the earth news. And I do it for two simple reasons: to stay informed by reminding myself what a couple of lying son-of-a-bitches those sites are. How do I know they lie? It’s not because they contradict my beliefs or #’s 1 and 2 above. It’s because they contradict themselves.
Take Brietbart. Loves to slam everyone in Hollywood…except when those people “seem” to agree with them. Example: A famous guardian of the galaxy is a Christian. Well, Brietbart reported it today as something all of Hollywood hates. Except everyone loves this guys, especially us liberals. We don’t care who he worships. What we do care about is when worshiping people tell us how to live. And I think BB gets that. I think BB just wants to rabble up its complicit evil readers into believing yeah, us liberals hate Christians.
Not, we hate Christians telling us what to eat, what we can do in our bedrooms, etc. etc. You know, the same Christians freaking out about Jihad, the same one’s lying about the founding fathers wanting us all to be Christian, the same one’s telling us what we can do with our own bodies. We HATE those Christians, the few and far between, the hypocrites that don’t get that they’re exactly like Muslim fundamentalists, because they’re fundamentalists pulling the same shit. “Oh,” you say, “It’s not the same, those ones use bombs.”
I’d show you the math but I’m too tired. Simply put, there are just as many fundamentalist Christians committing murder in the name of Jesus as there are Muslims in the name of Mohammed. The rest of the fundamentalists are just assholes who, like Trump, beat the war drums. And you know what? 99% of Christians and 99% of Muslims are damn good people. Dose the facts. Live with it.
OMG. I just went political and religious. Actually didn’t go the latter. When I talk about fundamentalists I’m talking about folks who can’t see the difference between their Faith and politics. Here’s the difference:
- Faith is what you do in your own mind and home.
- Politics is when you take your little “f” faith and try to make one or more people bend over and take it up the ass.
Here are some examples:
- The Ten Commandments on public/government property.
- Influencing abortion laws.
- Suggesting prayer isn’t allowed in schools (IT IS AND ALWAYS HAS BEEN) then created laws to “allow” it (i.e. force it on non-Christians like I saw in middle and high school–these fuckers aren’t happy until EVERYONE in the school is praying with them at a prep rally).
Okay, enough ranting about that because I want to bitch about Baptists hoping my brother read this and get it. He’s a Baptist Minister now. At the church that triggered me to once and for all give up Christianity. He followed the spiritualists ass-hat the definitely triggered me to leave.
You see, the ass-hat was once giving a sermon. On how Muslims were praying five times a day. We needed to catch up. We needed to have more kids. It was a numbers game AND WE WERE DOOMED!!!! I thought, “What the fuck? What does that matter? Shouldn’t we be learning to become more like Christ? Shouldn’t we learn love and selfishness? Should we not walk into the world an sacrifice for others?” Nope, that IS NOT the baptist motto.
“I accept Jesus as my personal Lord and Savoir,” is. And it’s now being spoken on the floor of congress by liars, liars who like Trump do not care who they effect, who dies from their decisions, as long as some zygote is not effected. And for the record I care about zygotes. I understand and even agree with arguments from the other side–to an extent. But I don’t agree with this litmus test when it’s used by people to fit in and manipulate. It happens in congress. And it happens in your own church in your own small town. I saw it. It’s why I left.
I pray my brother isn’t like that. But I know he is.
And that’s the things about pain. It causes you to go to dark places. But something you should know about me is that it does not make me change my opinion. If I’m feeling great and everything’s wonderful I still believe this stuff because it fits a) my experience (limited) and b) the facts (as near as I can ascertain them to be). I am just sharing what I’m angry about, the things I’d go “bombastic” about if I were a violent, idiotic, and fundamentalist sort. That seem strange? Do you research? The studies support a couple of things. People who swear a lot are more honest. That’s me. People who are more objective tend to be more depressed, and often suicidal. Me. I could go on. I asked “God” for wisdom at the age of 7 while crying in bed with my stuffed animal and you know what he gave me? Knowledge. Because at that age I didn’t know the difference between the two. If I were wise there would be a thousand changes I’d make to my life every day including but not limited to stopping smoking and selling almost everything I have, buying a back pack, and heading out into the world. But I’m not wise I’m scared and I know a lot about what’s in the world.
I haven’t experienced a lot of people that are kind to intelligent, opinionated, thoughtful motherfuckers like me.
On the bright side, my watering hole has the best burgers on the west side of the river.
With that I bid you goodnight.
P.S. Not proofreading. I do that for my book. No more proofreading for my journal entries as was the case in the past. I don’t have the time and it’ll get me back into the habit of spending hours on something then giving up on writing. This is free-writing folks. And if you don’t like what I have to say it’s because I’m an asshole–and you’re a fucking unenlightened self centered ignoramus.
P.P.S. Try being an empath for a day and getting back to me.