Crap ShootsSeptember 17, 2018
Yesterday, as you can imagine, was pretty much a crap shoot. Besides spending time catching up on work (I do feel fortunate that I can work from home as needed) I spent most of my day wandering from thing to thing, trying to figure out what to do with myself. Week days are a little different.
- Get up at ungodly hour (typically 8am) and hope to God I’m functioning in a reasonable fashion after a shower, coffee, and cigar.
- Get in car with wife who drives me to work (fortunately I work close to home now, but the parking situation is one where if I were to drive myself I’d have to literally park half a mile away and wait for the company shuttle to come pick me up and after work drop me off–I’m sorry but with my health condition I’m simply not going to add another thirty to sixty minutes to may day which could very well exacerbate my condition).
- At work I’m either a) overwhelmed with work, b) waiting on folks for certain things so I can get back to being overwhelmed, or c) finding work to accomplish.
- If I’m feeling well (i.e. I’m likely tired, in a shit load of pain, but getting by) it’s just a matter of keeping busy until 5pm.
- If I’m not feeling well (i.e. more tired than normal, incredible pain throughout my body, dizzy spells, visual issues likely caused by inflammation, memory difficulties, not to mention depression, anxiety, and an overwhelming sense of disgust that I live in the only first world country where someone must continue going to work under these conditions).
- Skip lunch. I simply don’t want to waste an hour not working or being paid or getting behind when the reality is I don’t know how my health will be from one day or one hour to the next. I don’t take changes. If I feel up to it I work!
- Smoke breaks every 90 minutes or so (another example of something I would not have shared in the past). These keep me sane. They also make sure I’m moving my body and keeping my joints and muscles lubricated.
- At 5pm pack up and head out for my wife to pick me up.
- 5:15pm, arrive home and wander around trying to do something with myself. I sort of hate this time of day. All the freedom set aside the pain and fatigue of the day leavings me looking forward to bed time.
- Bedtime, which I inevitably get to and hate because I feel I got very little done, if anything, except on days at work where I performed one or two small miracles in which case I pray I have a few more days like that!
And that’s pretty much it day in and day out. I am glad I’m doing better thought. From January to June or so my health was…well, lets just say concerning. I’d get to my last job after driving the commute and have to put on that “I’m healthy and okay today” happy face despite the edema being obvious to anyone who really took the time to notice (I think my manager did and deciding I looked like an alcoholic in the mornings…oh, but that’s another story for another time). Every other day I considered walking away from work over the lunch break and ending my day at the local Emergency Room but didn’t because they have over a decade long record of not having a clue what’s going on nor doing much but monitoring my heart rate and blood pressure until they feel safe I won’t die and kicking me out again, usually at a price tag of $1,000 – $2,500 (ironically the less a given ER does the higher the bill tends to be). It’s been a scary year. I did not expect to survive this long. And I certainly didn’t think I’d be feeling as well as I’m feeling now.
I want to be clear about something. When I say, “I feel better” or “I feel okay” it’s not something you will ever understand unless you too have experienced a decades long, severe, and painful chronic illness. “Better” means yesterday I was unable to perform certain critical functions while today I can with Maximum Effort. “Okay” my symptoms aren’t such I’ve not had to consider asking to go home to work the rest of the afternoon much less wander towards the closes Emergency Room. Trust me, when I say “Better” or “Okay” these are physical states of being in which 90% of the healthy population would take the day off sick and, after a day or two of it, show up at the ER or at the very least their primary care physician’s office. It’s no way to live. But I wasn’t exactly given much of a choice.
I’ll refrain from meandering any further. Time to get to the next thing and the next before who knows what and home.