Slow (the ‘F’) DownOctober 17, 2018
I’m taking a few minutes out of my day–after two ten hour days in a row plus a smattering of work this past weekend–to step away from my desk (if it can be called that) and write. There’s been a lot on my mind and I often think about writing but as soon as I get home I take care of a, b, and c, then want nothing but to sit down and watch Babylon 5 or The Good Place, both of which my wife and I have been binge watching as of late. That said, do forgive me as I plan to ramble.
Last Friday or so I started taking steroids, specifically oral hydrocortisone, and the results have been, for the most part, phenomenal. Swelling throughout my body (with the exception of my stomach, which is more fucked up than it’s ever been) is down significantly. What this means is pain levels are down. It means edema is down. It means I’m not having random-scary-as-shit flare ups on a daily basis, day or night. It means I can think more clearly. It even means my emotions, which I forgot I had (or at least forgot has some intensity to them), have been coming back in spurts. Oh, on the note of emotion I should note that for the longest time I’d begun to think without the help of some outside influence (i.e. alcohol or pain medications) the only two emotions I had were anxiety and frustration, both of which I’ve experienced more than any human should in a lifetime. Anyway, I’m not going to sit here and try to make my words sounds smart today so basic thing is it’s a week course, I have two and a half more weeks before I see a new doctor much closer to home, and I’ve asked my current/old doc if he’d be willing to allow me to continue until such time I have a new protocol in place. It’s my hope we can figure out what’s causing the inflammation, but I really doubt it. All I know is I don’t want to go back to how bad I was just a week ago. All I know is I don’t know how the fuck I’m still alive given how bad my symptoms have been this year (add in the stress of the worst year in a long time and it’s a cluster fuck).
I’m trying to slow down and just focus on the present. I constantly feel like I’m behind. Behind in my health. Behind in my job. Behind in my marriage. Behind in self improvement. Behind in my ability to do anything whether it be pick up a new skill I need for work or take care of something around the house or whatever the case may be. Despite breathing slow and walking slow and taking deep breaths and clearing my head, I feel like I should be walking faster when I’m walking or getting up and moving when I’m sitting. I know some of this is from anxiety. Much of it is from the PTSD (ongoing given my circumstances). But I suspect a lot of it has to do with the constant brain swelling I’ve had for years and years, no doubt damaging me in ways I can only guess, as at certain times and with certain medications I magically have relief of this feeling while at the same time having relief of a shit ton of other symptoms. It’s aggravating knowing some pill or treatment at the right time can provide temporarily relief to the sense that I’m a thousand light years behind and cannot catch up. If someone were to say, “It’s all in your head, get some therapy,” I’d say, “Yeah, it’s all in my head. And therapy won’t do shit for the swelling.”
I was going to talk about my love of whisky (which I’ve pulled away from recently), my wife’s birthday (today), the car that’s in the shop costing me $1,000 that I really need to pay off my credit card (almost there but my contract’s almost up too so that’s going to be a major source of stress come late November, early December). I was going to talk about things I’ve figured out about myself. Going to talk about the frustration with the monotony in my life. Frustration with not having or being able to make friends. Feeling that I have no purpose or worth. Fear that at some point I’m just going to give up. Many moments of wanting to share various childhood memories.
Does anyone read this?