Sitting here watching the paint dry. By “watching the paint dry” I mean I’m running tests that take near forever to execute. Normally I’d find other things to do but right now I’m tired after having worked 10-12 hour nights since Monday. I think the only reasons I’ve been able to do it are I have clear goals of what I need to accomplish, I’ve been making headway, and the medication I’ve been taking has, for the most part, helped with the inflammation, pain, and fatigue.
I just got back from a walk. I don’t always take one at lunch, but I do when I’m feeling worse than normal. I honestly don’t know what triggered it. Could have been anything from something I ate to medication to the simple fact that whatever’s causing my physical issues abhors consistency.
I bought $20 worth of tickets for the MegaMillions tonight which is at a whopping billion or so dollars. Here’s what I would do if I won:
With my luck I’d go to Mayo and find I have something terminal. But I’ll take that chance. Granted, odds of winning are zilch, but it’s my best chance of getting a diagnosis and the treatment I need so I can start living a normal life. Except my life wouldn’t be normal anymore, would it? Fortunately, I have few friends and family who are close so I won’t be ostracized by dozens of people who say I’ve changed. At worst I can pay my parents back for all the help they’ve given me over the years and get my wife into Mayo as well to figure out what the hell’s wrong with her (we both have chronic illnesses).
It is nice to daydream about winning that much money, even if it’s a wet dream. It certainly takes the mind of the pain and sometimes–albeit rarely–it results in a placebo effect of hope which leads to additional relief to my symptoms. “No worries,” I think, “These past fifteen years have been a nightmare but next week you can give notice, wrap things up, and start seeing specialists you know can at least provide some relief (and maybe hire a rich doctor willing to prescribe tons of pain killers so you aren’t dying every day and night until such time there’s a proper diagnosis and treatment plan in place).
Fuck, I talk about being sick a lot. But then that’s the life of someone with whatever disease I have. It sneaks in and manages to ruin nearly every moment of every day. And it’s not just the pain, it’s the inflammation that moves up to my chest pressing against my heart some days. That’s the scariest kind. If I go downhill fast (and I have before) will I have enough where-with-all to get my wife to take me to the ER before it’s too late?
Not sure what else to talk about. This weekend, if I don’t continue to go downhill, I hope to wash the Mini Cooper, which I’d like to sell, and continue cleaning up the blackberry bushes on the side of the house. They’ve gone crazy this year because I’ve not felt well enough to go out and take care of them so it’s taken me days and I’m still not done (usually it takes a weekend of concerted effort). This time I need to deal with the roots. No way I can handle another year like this. Of course, if I win I could have someone else do it but what would the fun in that be? Maybe I’ll just have someone come out, rip out everything including the deck, build it all from scratch, and put out a new working hot tub. Would definitely help my body. Enormously.
Tonight’s the last local auction. My wife and I have been going to them on Friday’s for about a year and a half, maybe two. They’re a fun way to get out on Friday night’s without spending any money (we do get something from time to time, but not most of the time). That said I think I’m going to go look at their site, see what’s available tonight. I’ve been trying to bid on the ugliest-weirdest thing possible but everything I find the perfect ugly-weird thing I get outbid by a crazy person with money to blow. Should be able to find something ugly for $10 you’d think.
Wish me luck.
- Get a bank representative
- Hire a lawyer
- Take my winning lottery ticket in
- Pay off all of my debts including the house
- Call the Mayo Clinic and setup a one to two week appointment there to get diagnosed.
- Start getting better.
- Travel the world.
- Buy the house I grew up in.
- Purchase a home in Europe.
- Clean house.